Entanglement: The Psychology of Over-Giving
In the film “Misery”, the seemingly kind nurse Annie rescues a man — only to imprison him in her home. She feeds him, bathes him, tends to his wounds. But her care is not an act of love; it’s an act of control. Her help becomes a trap.
While extreme, this dynamic reveals something quite common in relationships today: the compulsive caregiver, the one who needs to be needed. This article explores how care, when driven by unconscious wounds or relational fear, can quietly disempower the other — and slowly empty the self.
It doesn’t always lead to broken ankles or locked doors, but it can erode intimacy, autonomy, and vitality. And while it may wear the face of love, what it often hides is something far more urgent: the fear of not being essential. The fear of not being loved unless we are useful to someone.
Though the rescuer–rescued pattern can appear in any gender or relationship, it often mirrors the broader asymmetries in our culture. Women, especially, are socialised to care, to smooth tension, to derive worth from emotional labour. Men, on the other hand, are often permitted — or expected — to collapse, withdraw, or remain emotionally dependent far into adulthood. In this sense, the rescuer–rescued dynamic is not just personal — it is political.
But it also cuts across other lines: therapists and clients, empaths and narcissists, parents and adult children, even spiritual teachers and followers. Wherever one person feels responsible for the other’s growth, healing, or survival, the seed of this dynamic can be found.
Origins — Where the Pattern Begins
The rescuer doesn’t appear out of nowhere. Often, they begin as children in emotionally unstable or unpredictable environments — homes marked by neglect, abuse, inconsistence or subtle chaos. In these households, attunement to others isn’t a relational skill — it’s a survival strategy.
These children develop an overactive emotional radar. They scan the room for shifts in tone, tension, or silence. They intuit what the parent needs before it’s said. They anticipate the mood, soothe the outburst, adjust their presence. It’s a remarkable adaptation — but one with a hidden cost.
The more the child invests in reading others, the less energy is available for discovering themselves. Their radar becomes highly developed. Their individuation — the process of becoming a separate, defined self — does not.
Individuation requires spaciousness: to feel one’s own feelings, explore preferences, assert boundaries, and tolerate the frustration of separateness. But for these children, these are luxuries. They are too busy protecting, pleasing, managing. In essence: they become someone for others before they have the chance to become someone for themselves.
As a result, many rescuers grow up with a fragile sense of identity. They may not know what they want, but they are fluent in what others require. Their boundaries are porous. Their sense of self is relational, not rooted. And love becomes synonymous with merging.
Helping others brings safety. Fixing others brings worth. But this fusion sets the stage for enmeshment. What begins as care becomes entanglement. And by the time adulthood arrives, the pattern is so automatic that it no longer feels like a choice.
Relationship Dynamics — Love Entangled with Fear
In adulthood, the early adaptation of rescuing often resurfaces in intimate relationships. The rescuer is magnetically drawn to those in distress — people who are emotionally unavailable, wounded, or volatile. Their suffering activates something old and familiar: the compulsion to help, to heal, to matter.
But this pull is not just about the other person’s pain. It’s about the rescuer’s own unspoken contract: If I am indispensable, I will not be left.
Fear of abandonment is the engine beneath the over-giving. It may not be dramatic or conscious, but it runs deep. The rescuer feels secure only when the other needs them. Dependency becomes a proxy for intimacy.
The relationship then takes on an imbalance: the rescuer gives more than they receive, holds emotional weight that isn’t theirs, and often cannot ask for their own needs to be met — because the relationship itself has become a structure to keep fear at bay.
But if fear is the engine, guilt is the glue.
The rescuer feels responsible not only for the other’s wellbeing, but also for their suffering. They may believe:
“If I stop helping, I’m abandoning them.”
“If I set a boundary, I’m causing harm.”
“If I choose myself, I’m selfish.”
Guilt turns caregiving into self-erasure. It confuses empathy with obligation. It makes leaving feel violent, and staying feel virtuous.
And so the rescuer remains, not out of love — but out of loyalty to a role that once kept them safe.
At its core, this dynamic is not about control, or even selflessness. It is about survival. It is about a nervous system that once tethered love to vigilance, safety to self-sacrifice.
And unless it is seen for what it is, it will quietly repeat — masked as devotion, but rooted in fear.
The Turn — When Rescuing Becomes Resentment
Rescuing may begin with care, but when it is not mutual — when the rescuer’s needs remain unspoken, unmet, or unacknowledged — it eventually curdles into resentment.
This resentment often simmers for months or even years. The rescuer tells themselves they are strong, generous, irreplaceable. But inside, they begin to feel used, invisible, or trapped.
When this inner pressure becomes too much to contain, it often erupts — not as a request, but as criticism, sarcasm, or even emotional punishment.
The one who has been “helped” may suddenly feel unsafe, persecuted, or blamed. They begin to shrink under the weight of care that now feels like surveillance. They withdraw, rebel, or collapse.
Conflict intensifies, or distance quietly grows. Both feel misunderstood. Neither feels safe.
What began as protection becomes control. What began as closeness becomes threat.
And the most painful part? Neither person truly wanted this. But when care replaces authenticity, and guilt replaces boundaries, the dynamic becomes a slow-burning trap.
Recovery — Loosening the Grip
Healing from the rescuer dynamic is not about stopping care. It is about uncoupling love from fear. And it begins, not with action, but with recognition.
The rescuer must first see the loop: the way their self-worth has become fused with being needed, the way guilt overrides their boundaries, and the way fear of abandonment shapes their idea of love. This is tender work. The very patterns that once kept them safe must now be questioned.
Recovery asks them to feel what they have long avoided. Beneath the over-functioning lies grief: grief for the child who was never loved unconditionally, rarely comforted, who was only safe when useful. Grief for the years spent caretaking others in the hope of being chosen. And often, grief for relationships that were built on silent contracts rather than mutuality. This includes acknowledging resentment — not as failure, but as a signal that something vital has been overlooked: the self.
This is where guilt begins to loosen. When the rescuer turns inward, they begin to see that self-abandonment is not compassion. That saying no is not cruelty. That staying in a relationship out of fear is not love — it is survival in disguise.
Reclaiming the self means reclaiming space:
— Space to feel one’s own emotions without filtering them through another.
— Space to want, to rest, to choose.
— Space to draw a boundary and tolerate the discomfort it brings.
It also means learning to stay. Not in the relationship — but in the self. To hold the inner world without needing to fix someone else’s as a distraction.
With time, the nervous system learns new equations:
Love does not always require sacrifice.
Saying no does not always equal abandonment.
And the adult who was once a child holding too much learns, finally, how to be held.
Epilogue
There is nothing wrong with loving fully. But when love leaves no air in the lungs or space in the soul, it is no longer love — it is fear wearing its mask.
Healing is not a quick reversal. It is a slow, honest return. To your body. To your boundaries. To the quiet truth that you do not have to be needed to be worthy of staying.
And in that return, relationships shift. You no longer reach for the broken to feel whole. You no longer confuse guilt with devotion. Something steadier takes root — something that asks nothing but your presence.
The Butterfly Effect: When Love is Built on Illusion
🦋 Have you ever found yourself tangled in a connection that wasn’t mutual, yet felt almost magical?
A connection that felt sacred—so much so that you couldn’t stop thinking about them, even though they barely knew you?
You’re not alone. There’s a quiet, shimmering force inside us, born not from beauty, but from absence. It flutters through our lives, restless and hungry, searching for the love that was never quite given. And when it finds someone who seems to offer a glimmer of what we’ve been missing, it doesn’t land softly. It clings, believing it has finally found home.
This force, our inner butterfly, is a manifestation of our deep-seated longing for connection, validation, and transcendence. It’s a yearning that can be both beautiful and treacherous, leading us down a path of idealization, where we elevate someone to an unrealistic pedestal, only to watch them crumble beneath the weight of our expectations.
A Prison of Our Own Making
But what fuels this insatiable hunger for idealization? Perhaps it's the echoes of childhood wounds, the sting of low self-esteem, or the desperate need for transcendence in a world that often feels devoid of magic. Whatever the cause, the result is the same: we become trapped in a cycle of obsession, replaying every interaction like a sacred text, reading meaning into every glance, and craving validation from someone who may not even be aware of our existence.
But idealization is just the tip of the iceberg. We create entire fantasies around our beloved, envisioning perfect romances that don’t exist. We imagine scenarios where they confess their undying love, where we live happily ever after, and where our every need is met. These fantasies can be alluring, but they only deepen the illusion, making it harder to distinguish reality from fiction.
The Dark Side of Idealization
What happens when the object of our idealization is someone with narcissistic traits? The dynamics of the relationship become even more treacherous. The narcissist, sensing our devotion, may exploit our adoration to fuel their own ego. They may use our idealization to validate their inflated sense of self-importance, and we become pawns in their game of self-aggrandizement, our emotions manipulated and discarded like pieces on a chessboard.
Even in relationships without narcissism, idealization clouds our vision, and we fail to see the person in front of us as they truly are. This is the power of fantasy: it distorts our perceptions, turning the other person into someone we need them to be, rather than who they are. It makes it harder to form a genuine connection rooted in mutual understanding and respect.
The Impact on Our Well-being
The consequences of idealization can be devastating. Our mental and emotional health suffers, as we become mired in a sea of anxiety, depression, and self-doubt. The constant tug-of-war between fantasy and reality leaves us emotionally exhausted, with fleeting moments of joy followed by crushing feelings of disappointment.
Our relationships with others begin to unravel. We withdraw from friends and family, unable to cope with the emotional turmoil brewing inside. Even our physical health can suffer, as chronic stress and anxiety take their toll on our bodies.
But it’s not just idealization that causes this distress. We’re also spending time in our minds, constantly fantasizing about the other person, creating our own romantic narratives. These mental movies are often so vivid that they become more real to us than actual moments of connection, further blurring the line between reality and the fantasy world we’ve built.
Breaking Free
So, how do we escape this toxic cycle of idealization? We must first acknowledge the pattern and recognize the deeper drivers—whether they are childhood wounds, the yearning for love, or the desire for transcendence. We must confront the fears, doubts, and unmet needs that fuel our projections.
We must reclaim our longing—not by placing it on someone else, but by redirecting it toward more positive and fulfilling pursuits. We can turn our yearning into creativity, self-love, and meaningful relationships with people who are present and authentic.
And most importantly, we must learn to carry the sacred within ourselves, rather than seeking it in others. Only then can we free ourselves from the illusion, and discover a love that’s rooted in mutual respect, trust, and understanding—a love that nourishes our souls, not one that only leaves us yearning for something that was never truly there.
The Hidden Costs of Emotional Avoidance: How Suppressing Emotions Can Lead to Dysfunction
As humans, we're wired to avoid pain and pursue pleasure. It's a fundamental aspect of our biology. However, when it comes to emotions, this instinct can lead us down a path of avoidance, suppression, and ultimately, dysfunction. You see, emotions don't disappear just because we choose to ignore them. Instead, they become trapped, like a person locked in a closet, waiting to break free.
Imagine the energy required to keep that person contained. It's exhausting, both physically and mentally. And when they finally manage to escape, the emotions that emerge are intense, overwhelming, and often unpleasant. We're left feeling scared, powerless, and desperate to shut them back in. But this cycle of avoidance and suppression comes at a steep price.
Over time, we become drained, unable to enjoy life's simple pleasures. We become numb, joyless beings, afraid to feel anything at all. So, why do we find ourselves stuck in this pattern of emotional avoidance? There are two primary reasons.
Firstly, our natural inclination to avoid pain and pursue pleasure makes experiencing unpleasant emotions counterintuitive. It's uncomfortable, and our brain tells us to steer clear. Secondly, many of us lack the skills to contain and process our emotions in a healthy way. This is often a result of our upbringing, where we may not have learned effective emotional regulation strategies from our caregivers.
Consider a child who falls and scrapes their knee. They're overwhelmed by a mix of emotions – pain, surprise, disappointment, and fear. The parent's response plays a crucial role in shaping the child's emotional intelligence. If the parent becomes overwhelmed and uncontained, the child's emotions escalate. If they're dismissive, the child learns to suppress their feelings. But when the parent acknowledges and validates the child's emotions, offering comfort and reassurance, the child begins to develop essential emotional regulation skills.
So, what can we do if we recognize that our avoidant strategies are holding us back, but we're too scared to confront our emotions? Fortunately, there are ways to break free from this cycle. Meditation, for instance, offers a powerful tool for developing emotional awareness and regulation. By cultivating mindfulness, we can learn to observe our emotions without becoming overwhelmed.
Psychotherapy is another effective approach. A skilled therapist can help us identify the root causes of our emotional avoidance and develop personalized strategies for containment and processing. Through therapy, we can relearn how to respond to our emotions in a healthy, constructive way.
It's time to recognize that emotions are not the enemy. They're a natural part of the human experience, and by acknowledging and working with them, we can break free from the cycle of avoidance and suppression. By doing so, we can reclaim our emotional lives, rediscover joy, and live more authentic, fulfilling lives.
Gestalt Therapy and Internal Family Theory: Exploring the Self as a System of Parts
Gestalt therapy and internal family theory are two psychotherapeutic approaches that share a fundamental concept: the self as a system composed of multiple parts. This perspective suggests that our personality is made up of a multiplicity of aspects, each with its own characteristics and functions.
Internal Family Theory
Internal family theory, developed by Richard Schwartz, posits that our self is composed of multiple "parts" or "subpersonalities" that interact with each other. These parts can be thought of as different personalities within us, each with its own needs, desires, and fears.
The Observer: The Holistic Leader
One of the most important parts of our self is the observer, also known as the holistic leader. The observer is that part of us that is able to see the entire system, observe all the other parts, and make decisions that take into account the well-being of the entire system.
The observer is like a conductor who coordinates all the different sections of the orchestra to create a harmonious symphony. If the observer is strong and healthy, it is able to maintain balance and coherence within the system, ensuring that every part is heard and respected.
The Problem of a Weak Observer
However, if the observer is weak or fragile, it can happen that it identifies with one of the other parts, such as the inner critic or the inner child. When this occurs, the balance of the system is compromised, and problems such as anxiety, depression, or addiction can emerge.
The Inner Critic and the Inner Child
The inner critic is that part of us that judges and criticizes us constantly. If the observer identifies with the inner critic, it can become too severe and self-critical, leading to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.
The inner child, on the other hand, is that part of us that is vulnerable and sensitive. If the observer identifies with the inner child, it can become too emotional and reactive, leading to feelings of anxiety and instability.
Gestalt Therapy and Internal Family Theory
Gestalt therapy and internal family theory offer tools and techniques to help the observer become stronger and healthier. Through awareness and acceptance of the different parts of our self, we can learn to integrate and balance our energies, promoting coherence and harmony within the system.
Conclusion
Internal family theory and Gestalt therapy offer a unique and powerful perspective for understanding our self and promoting personal growth. By recognizing the multiplicity of our parts and working to integrate and balance them, we can become more aware, more empathetic, and more effective in our daily lives.
The Trauma-Microbiome Connection: How Stress Shuts Down Digestion and Sets Off a Chain Reaction
Imagine you're walking through the forest, enjoying the peaceful surroundings, when suddenly you hear a rustling in the bushes. Your heart starts racing, your senses go on high alert, and your body prepares to either fight or flee. This is the classic "fight or flight" response, designed to help you survive in the face of danger.
But what happens to your digestive system during this intense moment? Well, it's not exactly a priority. In fact, your body deliberately shuts down digestion to redirect blood flow to your peripheral organs, giving you the best chance to win your fight or outrun your aggressor.
The Digestive System Takes a Backseat
When we're under stress, our body's "fight or flight" response kicks in, releasing stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones trigger a cascade of physiological changes that prepare our body for action. One of the first things to happen is that blood flow is redirected away from our digestive system and towards our muscles, heart, and lungs.
This makes sense from a survival perspective. When we're facing a predator or a threat, we don't need to worry about digesting our lunch. We need to focus on getting out of harm's way or defending ourselves. So, our body prioritizes blood flow to the organs that will help us survive in the short term.
The Consequences of Maldigestion
However, this temporary shutdown of digestion can have unintended consequences. When our digestive system isn't functioning properly, we can't absorb the nutrients we need to stay healthy. This can lead to a range of problems, from bloating and gas to malnutrition and fatigue.
And it gets worse. When we're not digesting our food properly, we're also not feeding our microbiome. Our gut bacteria rely on the nutrients from our food to thrive, and when they don't get what they need, they start to suffer. This can lead to an imbalance in our microbiome, also known as dysbiosis.
The Microbiome Connection
So, what happens when our microbiome is out of balance? Well, it's not pretty. Dysbiosis has been linked to a range of health problems, from digestive issues like IBS and Crohn's disease to mental health conditions like anxiety and depression.
But here's the thing: our microbiome is not just a passive victim of our digestive system. It's an active participant in our overall health, influencing everything from our immune system to our brain function.
Breaking the Cycle
So, how can we break the cycle of trauma, maldigestion, and dysbiosis? Here are a few strategies to get you started:
- Practice stress-reducing techniques: Yoga, meditation, and deep breathing can all help calm your nervous system and reduce stress.
- Eat nutrient-dense foods: Focus on whole, unprocessed foods that are rich in fiber, vitamins, and minerals.
- Support your microbiome: Consider taking a prebiotic supplement or eating fermented foods like kimchi or sauerkraut.
- Get enough sleep: Aim for 7-9 hours of sleep per night to help your body recover from the stresses of the day.
By taking care of our digestive system and our microbiome, we can reduce our risk of developing chronic diseases and improve our overall health and well-being. So, take a deep breath, relax, and let your body do what it does best: heal and thrive.
The Complex Interplay Between Trauma and the Body: A Functional Medicine Perspective
As a functional medicine practitioner, I've come to understand that trauma is not just a psychological issue, but a complex interplay between the mind, body, and environment. Trauma can have a profound impact on our physical health, and conversely, our physical health can influence our susceptibility to trauma.
The Two-Way Feedback Loop
There are two primary ways that trauma interacts with the body:
- Top-Down: Trauma can affect the body by altering the brain's stress response, leading to changes in hormone production, gut function, and immune system regulation. This can result in a range of physical symptoms, from digestive issues to chronic pain.
- Bottom-Up: Conversely, the body's physiological state can influence our susceptibility to trauma. For example, someone with a compromised gut microbiome, impaired detoxification pathways, or hormonal imbalances may be more vulnerable to the effects of trauma.
The Role of the Microbiome
The gut microbiome plays a critical role in our overall health, and trauma can have a profound impact on the balance of our gut bacteria. Research has shown that individuals with a healthy microbiome are more resilient to stress and trauma, while those with an imbalanced microbiome may be more susceptible to the negative effects of trauma.
The Impact of Lifestyle Factors
Lifestyle factors, such as diet, exercise, and sleep, can also influence our susceptibility to trauma. For example:
- A diet high in processed foods and sugar can disrupt the balance of the gut microbiome, making us more vulnerable to trauma.
- Regular exercise can help regulate the body's stress response and improve resilience to trauma.
- Poor sleep quality can impair the body's ability to regulate stress hormones, making us more susceptible to trauma.
The Effects of Medications
Certain medications, such as antibiotics and statins, can also impact our susceptibility to trauma. For example:
- Antibiotics can disrupt the balance of the gut microbiome, making us more vulnerable to trauma.
- Statins can impair the body's ability to produce cholesterol, which is necessary for the production of hormones that regulate the stress response.
Hormonal Imbalances
Hormonal imbalances, such as thyroid dysfunction or adrenal fatigue, can also influence our susceptibility to trauma. For example:
- Thyroid dysfunction can impair the body's ability to regulate metabolism, leading to fatigue and increased susceptibility to trauma.
- Adrenal fatigue can impair the body's ability to produce cortisol, leading to increased susceptibility to stress and trauma.
A Functional Medicine Approach
As a functional medicine practitioner, I take a comprehensive approach to addressing trauma, considering the complex interplay between the mind, body, and environment. This includes:
- Assessing the gut microbiome and implementing dietary and supplement interventions to promote balance and resilience.
- Evaluating lifestyle factors, such as diet, exercise, and sleep, and providing guidance on optimizing these factors to promote resilience.
- Considering the impact of medications and hormonal imbalances on susceptibility to trauma.
- Implementing stress-reducing techniques, such as mindfulness and meditation, to help regulate the body's stress response.
By taking a comprehensive approach to addressing trauma, we can promote resilience, reduce symptoms, and improve overall health and well-being.
COPING WITH ANXIETY
Unfortunately the amygdala reacts in the same way to a real or imagined threat. Often anxiety is not triggered by real danger; it arises because we imagine ourselves in awful future situations, like failing an exam, losing our job, embarrassing ourselves in front of other people or simply not being able to cope.
Maladaptive anxiety stops us from taking risks and trying out new and potentially beneficial behaviours; this impacts negatively on the quality of our life.
To reduce feelings of anxiety we need to integrate those primitive parts of our brain with the more sophisticated ones like the cortex and reduce their sensitivity.
Short term strategies
The situation that creates anxiety is always in the future, so if we anchor ourselves in the present moment the feeling will lessen or disappear. There are many techniques available, but simply reconnecting with our senses and our surroundings could be enough.
Activities that involve the left side of the brain might help, like crosswords, reading, writing and whatever involves words and language.
Medium term strategies
Sometimes our thoughts about what will happen are not realistic and that catastrophic scenario that worries us so much is unlikely to happen. Reconsidering our thinking style, becoming aware of distorted thoughts and challenging them can help.
Meditating focusing on our breath can be very effective, it shrinks the amygdala and increases the connections between the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex.
Long term strategies
One should face the situations that caused anxiety instead of avoiding them, and give oneself the possibility to learn that often things turn out better when we get through with them.
Because anxiety serves to prepare our body for action, regular physical exercise is great to release the excess adrenaline and cortisol triggered by the amygdala, it mimics what we would have done if the danger was real and we needed to fight or run away. It also changes the chemical structure of our brain over time and improves mood.
Isolation increases the symptoms of anxiety. Connecting with others, being in a loving, secure and supportive relationship with a partner, relatives, friends, a pet, god or the energy of the universe can be of enormous help. The hormone of love, oxytocin, makes the amygdala less reactive to fear and threat in anxious people.
To conclude remember that if you want to conquer anxiety you need to live in the moment, slow down, connect to your senses, think clearly, exercise and face your fears (maybe with my help). Good luck!
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